Synopsis
Jenny Boston couldn’t wait to get out of high school and out
of Willow Grove. She was tired of the way people looked at her and judged her
based on lies one boy told. She was tired of never being good enough, always
being the second choice.
If only they knew her real story.
When the college scholarship she hoped for doesn’t come
through, she has no choice but to stay where she is. Things couldn’t get worse,
could they?
Then a mistake with a friend leaves a life-long imprint on
her heart.
Her best friend shatters her trust and her heart, leaving
her hopeless.
Determined to hold fast to her dreams, she tries again,
finding a boy who seems too good to be true. She puts her whole heart into what
they share, only to be left behind.
Damaged, with more scars on her heart than she can count,
she gives up, losing the only person that truly matters in her life.
June 1995
When Kevin and I arrived at the lake, someone
had started a big bonfire, which I deemed completely unnecessary since it was
ninety degrees. There were a number of cars there, most of which I recognized. Tyler’s
truck was noticeable and my eye always looked for Sadie’s car, and of course it
was there.
I started to feel uneasy and was pretty sure
this had been a bad idea. “He’s not going to talk to me with her here.”
“Yeah, he will.” I wanted to believe Kevin. I
followed him closely to the crowd and surveyed the group. Tyler sat near Ryan
looking morose. Ryan was trying to play a guitar and everyone was laughing.
Sadie sat across the circle from them and
stared at Tyler
“What the hell are you doing, Kevin? Why did
you bring her?” He wouldn’t look at me.
“Shut up and stop being such an ass. She is
your friend and you are treating her like crap. For what? On the hope that
Sadie miraculously comes back to you? Dude, she’s going to college. She’s not
hanging onto you. Get over it already.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Kevin shrugged. “Maybe not, but I do know
that Jenny is one of your best friends and she has done everything for you and now you are treating her like this. Get over
yourself.” I watched as Kevin turned to walk away, but he stopped.
“Jenny,” Kevin said, looking at me, “my
brother is an ass and apparently doesn’t know when there’s a good thing right
in front of his face. I told him that last night and he said he knows. He
knows, Jenny. Don’t let him get away with this crap.” This time he did walk
away, but not without telling me, “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be over there.”
I stared
after him wishing he would come back and not leave me alone with Tyler, who was
obviously angry at me.
“He did say one thing that made sense,” Tyler
“What will never happen?”
“Us, Jenny. You’re nobody to me. I don’t even
consider you a friend anymore. Haven’t you noticed I haven’t called?
His words cut into me like a knife,
unleashing the anger that I kept deeply hidden. “Oh, I’ve noticed. And I wouldn’t
have come here if Kevin wouldn’t have told me you wanted to see me. I don’t
want any relationship with you, Tyler! You’re a loser and I’ve sat by and
watched what you’ve done to Sadie! I’d be stupid to want to be any more than
your friend!”
He studied me for a moment before he walked
away. I watched him return to his spot next to Ryan. Kevin was nowhere to be
seen. I made my way over to some picnic tables in the distance and sat atop
one.
It seemed like hours passed before he came
back to me.
“Where’s your brother? I’m ready to go,” I
said as he approached.
“I’m sorry. I don’t want to lose you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. You know you’re
not.”
He smiled at me; I looked away. “I know it’s
my own fault,” he said, “what happened with me and her.”
I looked at him again, followed his gaze. His
eyes were settled on Sadie. She lied in the grass, sleeping or passed out
maybe. “There you go. Maybe she’ll wake up and fall in love with the first
person she sees. It’s possible, her being a princess and all.”
He turned to me. “You wanna go for a walk?”
“Sure. She won’t see us through her sleep,
will she? I don’t want to ruin your chances, you know.”
He laughed. “I manage to do that just fine.”
“I’m glad you realize that.”
I followed him along the shores of Willow Lake
The silence was comfortable. Things could be
easy with Tyler
“It’s gonna suck with Ryan being gone.” He
threw a pebble into the lake and sat on the jagged rocks that lined the shore. “You
been working a lot?”
“Just about every day.”
“You still seeing Roger or whatever his name
is?”
“We’ve both been working a lot, so I don’t
know.” I felt his eyes on me and glanced in his direction to confirm I was
right. The moon glowed brightly and his eyes shone like two pennies.
He smiled sheepishly and looked at the
ground. “I don’t know about this, Jenny.”
“You don’t know about what?”
He met my eyes. “This friend thing.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t think it should bother me that
you’re seeing someone.” He threw another pebble. “It makes me want to kiss you
and try to convince you not to see him.”
My heart skipped a beat. I laughed to cover
my feelings. “It bothers you?”
“Strange, isn’t it?”
“Well, yeah it’s strange. Especially if you
only see me as a friend.”
He sighed. “Maybe I don’t.”
I stood up. “Just stop. Friends, that’s it. That’s
all I want. Don’t even act like it’ll be anything more just to get me in your
bed!”
He stood too. “I know. I know. Sorry.”
“You’re always sorry.”
“It’s not impossible, you know.”
“What’s not?”
“Us.”
I walked away. He was trying to play with my
mind and emotions and I wasn’t going to listen anymore. I told my mind to shut
down, not let the words in, not let him get to me. He couldn’t get under my
skin again, bend me to his will.
“Jenny, c’mon,” he called from behind me. “It’s
not impossible. Maybe I do want you. I’m just having a hard time moving past
this friend thing.”
I turned around and eyed him suspiciously. He
was lying, I knew it. He only wanted one thing. “Fine. Hold my hand and let’s
walk back over there. I’ll sit by you and you’ll acknowledge me and act like
everything that’s been happening between us for two years is true.”
“Jenny….”
“That’s what I thought.” I turned away from
him again, but he grabbed my arm, pulled me to him.
“Don’t walk away.”
“I have to, Tyler
He brought his lips down on mine and kissed
me, a long, sensuous, perfect kiss, but it meant nothing. To him at least. To
me, it was what I longed for everyday for the past two years. The best days
were always the ones where he wanted me.
He pulled back and searched my eyes. “You’re
always so angry. I wish you’d smile just once.”
“What would I smile about?” I whispered,
unsure I had the strength to speak in an audible voice.
“This,” he said lowering his mouth to mine
again. I tried not to relax and enjoy the feelings he gave me, but I did. He
pulled away and smiled at me. I couldn’t help smiling back. “Thank you,” he
said.
July 1996
Ryan had called me at work the night he came
home on leave. “Did you get my letter?” he asked.
“What letter?” I asked, honestly not remembering
the nonsense scribbled on the little piece of paper.
“With the check?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“I was hoping you’d write back.”
“Why?”
He sighed. “Because, Jenny, I miss you.”
“What is there to miss?” I let out a short
laugh. “It was one night.”
“That’s all it’s been so far. It can be so
much more.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Me and you. I’m home until Tuesday. Let me
take you out.”
“I don’t think so.”
“C’mon, Jen. Gimme a chance.” He sounded
desperate.
“Ryan, why are you doing this?”
He didn’t answer right away. “I can’t forget
about you. Every day you’re on my mind.”
“You know why that is. If I would’ve never
told you when I was pregnant you would’ve forgot about me a long time ago.”
“No, no. That’s not it.” He exhaled. “Ok, I’m
gonna tell you something, but you have to promise not to think I’m nuts.”
“Too late for that,” I grumbled.
“I’ve prayed a lot for you. It started way back
when, and even after I got the letter from Tyler and knew what you did. I was
pretty mad and stopped praying for you, but you kept coming to mind when I
would pray and when I’d be in church and whenever I had a quiet moment.” He
paused. My heart was beating so hard in my chest I thought he’d be able to hear
it over the phone. “So I started praying for you again. And I think God’s
trying to tell me we should be together.”
I’d always known Ryan and his family went to
church, so his spirituality was likely a big part of his life. And since giving
my life over to Christ it meant a lot to me as well. But I’d never prayed about
Ryan. Why would I? Should I have been praying for him?
“I know you don’t go to church or nothing,”
he went on, “but this is a big deal for me. So if I seem like a psycho who
can’t move on from a one night stand, I’m sorry. It’s just that if I don’t tell
you the truth about how I feel then I think I’d be letting God down.”
My mind reeled with what he said. Apparently
I’d missed something about praying for relationships, but since mine with Tyler
“No, no. He won’t.”
The next evening I met him at a park by the Des Moines River . No one would find us here. For some
reason, I once again took extra time with my clothes and hair, wearing a little
makeup. I’d chosen to wear my favorite shorts. They were Tyler
He was already there when I arrived. I parked
next to the familiar car he and Brooke had shared in high school. He appeared
at my door and opened it for me. “You look beautiful,” he said as we walked.
I couldn’t answer him, or even look at him
for too long. He’d grown to someone almost larger than life with muscles
bulging in places I didn’t know there were muscles.
He looked good enough to eat.
Ryan obviously didn’t have these problems.
We sat on a bench, our knees lightly
touching. There was a fishy smell to the air, but the sun was setting behind
us, the light streaming from in between the downtown buildings and reflecting
on the murky river. It was an interesting spectacle, but I don’t think he
noticed. His eyes burned holes into the side of my head.
“Jenny, why won’t you look at me?”
“I didn’t know I needed to.” I crossed my
arms over my chest. “I don’t want to be here.”
“Why?”
I finally looked at him. His eyes were dark
and full of some emotion I wasn’t familiar with. He smiled at me and I noticed
how soft his lips looked. My eyes went back to the river. I couldn’t look at
him. My thoughts weren’t my own when I did.
“Because when I see you, or even hear your
name, I think about, I don’t know, I think about what the baby would have been
like, what he would have looked like. It’s like you haunt me or something.”
“He?”
I nodded.
“How do you know?” His voiced was choked with
emotion, his eyes still on me.
“Oh, I don’t know for sure.” I faced him. “It’s
just a feeling I have, er, had, I mean.” I’d never shared that with anyone,
even Tyler. “I even picked a name,” I whispered against the sound of the water
flowing in front of us.
“A name? For our baby?”
I sighed and wished I’d never said anything. “Yeah.”
“What…what is it?”
“Mason.”
“Mason?”
“Yeah.” I faced him again. His eyes were
distant now; no doubt imagining his son whose name would have been Mason. “Sorry.
We can talk about something else.”
“No, I like this. What do you think he would
have looked like?”
“You, I hope,” I said with a laugh.
He smiled. “You don’t see yourself the way
others do.”
I laughed. “Yes I do!”
“No, Jenny. You don’t realize what a
beautiful person you are.”
“Sure.”
“Why are you with Tyler
“Why does everyone keep asking me that?”
“Why aren’t you asking yourself that?”
My brows pulled together as I did ask myself
that. “He’s always been there for me.”
“Really? When Sadie jumped you at prom, where
was he? When your car broke, how long did it take him to fix it? And did he
ever give you a ride anywhere? He was there when it worked for him. And I’d be
willing to bet it’s about the same now. Do you know where he’s at right now?”
I had no idea where Tyler
“So did Sadie.” His words stung and I thought
about all the time Tyler
“What’s your point?” I asked.
He stared into my eyes to the point I was
uncomfortable. Again, I had to look away. He moved closer to me and pulled my
arms away from me, holding my hands in his. “I’d want him to have your eyes.”
“Who?”
“Mason,” he whispered.
I pulled away from him, rolling my eyes. “There
is no Mason.”
He took my hands back. “Give me a chance,
Jen. I’ll be home in less than three years. And I’ll spend every moment of
every leave with you until then. After that, it’ll be every moment we breathe. You’ll
find out what it’s really like to have someone who’s always there for you.”
His words were so convincing, and I debated
very seriously. But then when I thought of going home and telling Tyler we were
over, that I’d chose Ryan, and packed my stuff and moved back to my mom’s, my
chest ached. “I can’t leave him, Ryan. I waited three and a half years for him
to be mine. Our relationship is perfect.”
He rested his hand along my jawline, rubbing
my cheek with his thumb. “Give me a chance, Jen. Give me the next four days to
prove to you all the ways I’m better for you than he is.”
There’d been a time in my life when this
would have never seemed possible. But sitting by the river that night with one
of the best looking, smartest, most perfect guys I ever knew, anything seemed
possible. And as if there were some merit to Ryan’s belief that God wanted him
to be with me, scripture came to mind.
Everything is possible if you believe….
I shivered and closed my eyes as the words
went through my mind. This couldn’t be happening. My heart was being pulled in
two directions, and the tug was definitely stronger in one direction than the
other.
May 1999
Spring hadn’t come
to Illinois . Instead
winter jumped straight to summer. Alex disagreed with me, saying that this was
beautiful spring weather.
“It’s only
eighty-five,” he argued. “You’re just used to that Chicago weather. It’s warmer down here.”
“You’re nuts. This
is Central Illinois , not the deep south.”
He shrugged. “Well,
this is nothing. Just wait until summer really gets here.”
Nonetheless, I
turned on the air conditioning in his car as he drove me and Angel to a park
near the lake. “Angel’s hot,” I told him when he looked at me.
He had packed a
picnic lunch. Was there anything more perfect? I doubted it. Tyler would have
never in a hundred years thought to plan a picnic at the park.
When we got to the
park, I unbuckled Angel from her car seat while Alex got the picnic supplies
out of the trunk. I followed him to a shady spot under a large maple tree. I
watched tentatively as he pulled a checkered blanket from the bag and spread it
over the grass.
Angel started to
squirm in my arms and I let her down. She made a bee line to the playground. I
followed her, lifting her to the swings and then to the slide. Alex joined us,
and together we pushed Angel on the swings, he behind her, me in the front.
“You want to eat?”
I asked her after a while.
She didn’t answer,
but I was hungry, so I stopped the swing and plucked her from the rubber seat. But
she reached out for Alex, who’d moved to my side.
He smiled his
flawlessly perfect smile at my daughter and held out his hands for her. She
wrapped her little arms around his neck and he squeezed her right back,
planting a kiss on her pudgy, little cheek.
My heart swelled
with love in the perfection of the moment. I almost wanted to cry, but a happy
cry, thinking about how lucky and blessed I was.
The three of us
sat on the blanket while Alex pulled sandwiches from the picnic basket. “Peanut
butter and jelly,” he announced, obviously proud of his culinary skills.
Angel’s sandwich
was cut in little squares and she eagerly shoved the first one in her mouth.
“Apple slices,”
Alex continued, pulling the items from the basket. “Pretzels. Pudding cups. And
for dessert, cupcakes.”
I raised an
eyebrow at the homemade cupcakes. “Did you make those?”
He gave me a half
smile. “No. My mom did.”
I chuckled. “This
is nice,” I told him.
“Thanks.” He took
a big bite from his sandwich. “How’s yours? Is it ok? I used apricot
preserves.” He said apricot, ‘ape-ricot.’ I couldn’t help laughing.
“What did you
use?”
He furrowed his
brow. “Ape-ricot preserves. It’s like jelly, but made with real fruit.”
“You mean ap-ricot?”
He laughed now,
understanding. “No, I mean ape-ricot.”
“So, do you like
to-mah-toes, too?”
“No,” he said,
still chewing. “To-may-toes are fine. So are po-tay-toes.”
Our eyes met over
the sandwiches, apples and pudding cups. “I love you,” I said.
“I love you, too, Jen.”
He gave me that half smile again. “But I forgot something for us to drink.”
“What? No, pop?”
He laughed. “I
never would have brought pop. I would have brought soda, but not pop.”
“That’s ok,” I
said. “I lived up there for seven years and I always said soda. It’s like it
was ingrained in me.”
The two and a half
hour drive between Springfield
and Joliet
didn’t seem like much, but they were worlds apart, both in dialect and the
overall way of life.
Angel stood up,
looked at me with peanut butter smearing her cheeks. I dug in the diaper bag
and found the baby wipes to clean her face. Then I gave her an apple slice. “Do
you have spoons for the pudding cups?” I asked Alex.
His eyes went
wide. “No.” He looked in the picnic basket, digging frantically. “I can’t
believe I forgot spoons too!”
“It’s ok,” I said.
“It’s the thought that counts.”
He snorted. “Well,
apparently I didn’t think very much as I planned this.”
I opened one of
the vanilla pudding cups, held it to my mouth and stuck my tongue in, pulling
out a dollop of pudding. “Who needs a spoon?” I said.
He laughed. “You
got a little…,” he said, brushing his finger at the corner of his mouth.
I ignored him,
sticking my tongue into the pudding again. “A little what?” I tried to
purposely get more pudding on my face.
Amused, he stared
at me, a smile frozen on his beautiful face.
“Can you get it? The
pudding?” I asked, pointing to my mouth. I handed Angel another apple slice. Alex
had cut them thin enough for her to eat.
He reached into
the picnic basket and pulled out a napkin. “Here,” he said, handing me the
paper square.
“You remembered
napkins, but not spoons?” I asked. He shrugged. I balled the napkin up and
tossed it at him playfully. “I want you to get the pudding off my face.”
He picked up the
napkin I had tossed at him and smoothed it out, and then reached across the
blanket. I grabbed his wrist. “Can I have a kiss?” I asked.
His eyes grew
playful as he took the pudding cup from my hand. He stuck one finger inside and
scooped an ample amount of pudding out. I thought he was going to eat it, but
instead, he went toward me, smearing my mouth with vanilla pudding.
“Hey!” I yelled.
He was laughing as
I licked my lips and moved in to kiss me, pudding and all. My intentions for him
wiping the pudding from my face were to get him close enough to kiss. I didn’t
intend for there to be more pudding on my face, but it didn’t really matter.
I pulled him on
top of me, lying back on the blanket as he kissed me. His kisses were so soft
and gentle and full of love. The warmth that spread from him to me was like a
wildfire that I doubted could ever be extinguished.
Angel plopped
herself onto us, her lips making little kiss sounds. I pulled her to me, kissed
her forehead. I took the napkin from Alex’s hand and wiped my mouth and his of
the pudding.
Then I prayed. I
prayed while I stared into his eyes as blue as the sky and asked for God to let
Alex be the guy for me. The one who would love me forever and never let go. The
one who would be a father for Angel. The one who I would spend the rest of my
life with.
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