The other day, my daughter who just turned 3 in July, chose to wear a lime green flower print dress. It's a simple cotton dress, nothing fancy. When it came time to leave the house (I don't even remember where we were going-- maybe to take the older kids to practice?) she freaked out and said she couldn't wear that dress outside.
I told her the dress was fine over and over again, but she was on the floor screaming bloody murder, saying she looked ugly!! My older girls reassured her she wasn't ugly and that God doesn’t care what you look like on the outside; that he looks at her inside (1Samuel 16:7b).
She didn't understand, thinking God didn't care what she looked like when she went outside, only when she was inside. She kept saying she needed to be beautiful and look like a princess.
Now, my daughter (in my very partial opinion) is blessed to be 'cute' looking. And for three years we have all over-enforced this concept to her, telling her daily how beautiful she is. She has already, at age 3, defined herself by her outward appearance. And it's because we, her family, have made that seem like something of value. We all laugh when she does her 'pageant pose’ and ooh and ahh excessively at her outfits.
I did this, and now I have to undo it.
You know, it drives me crazy that my older girls want to wear makeup and agonize over their appearance. But why do they? I mean, I wear makeup and try to look presentable when I leave the house, why shouldn’t they? In fact, I have banned the wearing of pajama pants outside of the house because I don’t want my girls being judged. (For the record, I have also banned many shorts, skirts, and cami’s. A few dresses have also bit the dust. And some underwear and bras. Why do kids need lace on their underwear? And makeup for the ten year old. The fourteen year old gets away with it- to a point.)
What am I telling my girls by all this? Are they understanding that modesty is the best policy? Or am I just horrible and mean? They’d say the latter, but the former is my MO. The underlying message they are getting is: What you look like means more than anything else.
If you take time with your hair and outfit, you will be accepted.
If you wear the cutest jeans, you will be popular.
If you look good, you can be anything your heart desires.
I am telling my girls a big sack of lies.
What I should be telling them is:
If you are kind and helpful, you will be accepted.
If you are friendly to everyone, no matter what they look like or how they act, you will be popular.
If you read and study hard, you can be anything your heart desires.
Here’s some statistics to rock your socks off:
Earlier this week, my family went to the Illinois State Fair. I was appalled at some of the things I saw tween/teen girls wearing! There was this one girl who walked past me and my husband. She was holding one side of her button up shirt open, half of her breast purposefully exposed!! I couldn’t believe it! I wanted to yell at the girl and shake her!! Something my mom used to say to me came to mind: Who would want to buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
22% of girls between 13 and 19 have sent or posted nude or semi-nude pictures of themselves online. Think about that. That’s 1 in every 5 girls. Think of 5 teen girls. One of them has done this. WHY? When and how did this become ok?
Why is it ok for girls barely in high school to have their cleavage showing in their Facebook profile picture? Why are ten year olds shaving their legs and begging for mascara and lacy underwear? Why are five year olds striking ‘sexy’ poses and wearing shorts and skirts so short their butt-cheeks show? Why are three year olds afraid to leave the house because they think they look ugly? What is wrong with society?
Cultural expectations and the media have dictated what is acceptable and desirable for our children. The Michelle Duggar (think 19 Kids and Counting) explains on her blog how they always dress with their thighs and torso’s covered, and that its scripture based. 1Timothy 2:9 says women should dress modestly and with decency. Yet society, which is way more popular, says it’s acceptable to show your cleavage (or half a breast if you’re the girl at the fair) and butt cheeks.
I am sick of this. I do not want my girls growing up anymore thinking they have to look a certain way to be someone. They ARE someone. They are someone so special I don’t even have words to define it (imagine that!).
So I challenge you parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, and anyone who ever has contact with a female in their lifetime to stop commending girls on their looks. It doesn’t validate them. It doesn’t make them a better person. It doesn’t make them more interesting. It draws attention to a facet of their life they cannot control and shouldn’t have control over them. Yet tween/teen girls across the country are suffering from eating disorders, depression, and distorted body image (i.e. thinking they’re fat when they’re 5’8” and 100lbs).
We have done this to our girls.
We have to fix it.
Join us at Mighty Strong Girls. Our first issue comes out in November and we will be working to empower girls in ways that have nothing to do with the way they look. Tell your daughters about this, and their friends. Tell everyone.
You are so right and I even stopped to think what messages I am sending my daughter. Wardrobe is not a problem but her self image is somewhat an issue. I will share your thoughts with her! Thanks for enlightening me!
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