Forgiveness: A lesson that wasn't intended for me

I’ve been asked a few times lately what happened to my blog.  I haven’t posted in over a month.  Well, that’s because my laptop crashed.  Luckily I was able to get it fixed and not lose any of my documents. 

So I’m back.  Not just back to my blog, but home.  A few weeks back, I traveled to Holland, Michigan with our church’s youth to attend the CIY (Christ in Youth) conference. 

I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  But God did.  He knew what challenges I needed.  He knew I needed to see the raw hearts of the girls He placed in my group.  He knew I needed to hear the testimony of my roommate.  He knew.  And He provided.  And at the times when I wondered what I had gotten into, He reminded me that He will not give me more than I can handle.  I might bend, but He won’t let me break.

One of the daily themes we concentrated on was forgiveness.  We talked about how easy it is to carry grudges against someone who’s done us wrong.  We talked about how God commands us to forgive, just as He forgave us (Colossians 3:13).  The bible tells us to love our enemies (Matt. 5:44), no matter how difficult it may be.    

Wow.

The words are simple enough to say.  But when you take a moment and think of that person, or people, who have hurt you to the core of your being, and then think about forgiving them for what they’ve done, and then loving them…whoa.

I’ll confess. 

I have been hurt.  And I have forgiven.  But the stuff I hold onto wasn’t done to me.  People have wronged my children.  That’s just not something I can let go of easily.  Some of the hurt was about fourteen years ago, some about nine years ago.  But I realize that I have to let go.  It is my duty to forgive them as my Father has forgiven me.

On top of that, I have to forgive myself for letting these things happen to my children in the first place.  And that is far more difficult.

I feel like if I let go of this grudge I have for these people, and the guilt I feel for (in my mind) failing to protect my children, that I am discounting my children’s worth.  That if I can allow this forgiveness to happen then I am brushing off what happened as unimportant. 

While I have regrets in life, I can’t look back.  I can’t let the wrongs of the past weight me down, hold me back, and keep me from being the best me I can be.  I can’t change what happened; I can’t change what other people did anymore than I can control what anyone does now.  But I can command my heart to forgive, and make my mind wrap around the concept and let go of the weight that I’ve been carrying.  It doesn’t mean I love my kids any less. 

“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:24).  This is my prayer for the ones who have wronged my children.

As I reflected on this on the shores of Lake Michigan, the waves lapping up onto my legs as I sat in the sun, I knew what I had to do.  There is no time like the present.  Why should I hold onto this any longer?

I shouldn’t.

Just as my baptism washed away my sins, I let the weight and pain of regret be washed away in the sand. 

I let it go.

I forgave them.

I forgave myself.

What happened in the past has made me stronger; made me the person I am today.  And now that I have forgiven the ones who have trespassed beyond my heart and onto my children, I can be all that God intends for me to be.